Snape and the Valentine's Day Lingerie
by Sasook94
Summary: ON Valentine's Day Snape is sent a mysterious package. Who could've sent it! My very first submission! Please don't be too hard on me in your reviews. Takes place around 6th book but pretend Sirius is alive


"WHAT THE HELL?!" Severus Snape exclaimed after opening an unmarked package on

Valentine's Day.

In front of him he was holding up pink frilly underwear and a matching bra. He looked up

at the nearby mirror. For a second, he thought of trying it on. He immediately rejected the

idea, disgusted about the thought.

"UGHHHH!" he grunted. "This is an INSULT! Dumbledore will hear about this."

Dumbledore was stroking Fawkes the Phoenix when Snape burst into his office.

"Finally!" Dumbledore cried.

"DUMBLEDORE!" Snape yelled holding up the lingerie.

"arkghghgnITWASPOTTERfghkghargt!"

"Now now Severus, we have no proof of that. I'm sure it was a joke. Lighten up."

Snape stormed out muttering "I don't care what he says. I'll _prove it was Potter. I've got a _

_plan..."_

The next day the 6th year Gryffindors were in potions. In the back of the class Harry

Potter was laughing hysterically at something his friend Ron Weasly had said.

"POTTER!" Snape snapped. "There shall be no laughing in my classroom. Bring your

things up front. Now."

Harry gave Snape an angry look but went up front like he was told. Snape leaned towards

Harry over his podium.

"I know perfectly well that it was you Mr. Potter. You should just admit it now if you

know what's good for you," Snape said quietly.

"What are you talking about?" Harry asked.

**Without speaking, Snape used legilimancy on Harry. He saw Ron prancing around in a lavender dress yelling "I feel pretty!". He saw Neville Longbottom shutting a **

**porno magazine. He saw the know it all Hermione Granger giving Professor **

**Slughorn a lap dance. Finally he saw Ginny Weasly snorting a line of white dust.**

He saw all of those memories but no proof showing Potter sent him the lingerie. So it

couldn't have been him.

Later at dinner Snape was twitching horribly. He still didn't know who sent the lingerie.

Suddenly Professor Sprout came up behind him and gave him on the back.

"Happy Valentine's Day Severus :D" she said cheerfully.

It was the first human contact he had ever had in a few months. He looked at her in

wonder.

Maybe it was her... Snape thought.

Snape looked at Professor Sprout again. She was old, plump and graying. She was

PERFECT for him.

"Hmm, you've got some nice sprouts there," Snape said as an attempt to flirt.

He licked his fork slowly while looking at her.

Sprout looked back at him concerned.

"Are you alright Severus?"

"Yes..." Snape replied, realizing he failed miserably. "I'm sorry I didn't get you anything

back for Valentine's Day."

"Huh? But I didn't get you anything..."

"FK!" he hissed. "Huh? What are you talking about, I didn't say anything at all."

"Oh, I guess my hearing aid is failing."

Snape got up from the table and left. He suddenly remembered the image of Ron Weasly dancing around in the dress. Snape hurriedly rushed to Dumbledore's side.

"Dumbledore," he said. "I know who sent me the lingerie. It was HIMMMMMMMMM"

Snape pointed right at Weasly.

Dumbledore said weakly, "Alright if you say so."

As the students were leaving the Great Hall, Snape stood outside waiting. He snatched

Ron by the collar when he walked by and slammed him into a wall.

"ADMIT IT WEASLY!" Snape roared.

"What in the world are you talking about?!" Ron yelped.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! You are the only student who has enough access to frilly

things to have sent it!"

Ron was beginning to blush bright red. "Harry _told _you about my dress?!"

"That is besides the point Mr. Weasly. I know that you sent me the lingerie."

"_WHAT?!"_

Hermione was standing behind Ron staring at him with hurt filled eyes. "Is this true Ron?"

"NO HERMIONE I SWEAR! I spent all my money on the underwear _you're _wearing!

You were there when I spent it!"

Snape let Ron go. This whole argument was getting a bit too odd for him.

"Fine Mr. Weasly, I believe it wasn't you. _TO THE BAT CAVE!" _He left with a _fwoosh_ing

sound.

In his the Bat Cave (a.k.a his office), Snape paced back and forth numerous times. All the

possibilities ran through his head. None of them made that much sense. Unless…

_Perhaps I was sent the lingerie by _accident._ Some one must've been trying to send the _

_lingerie to the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Since Slughorn is the new teacher, that person immediately assumed that he would be the new D.A.D.A teacher not knowing _

_it'd actually be me. And the only person idiotic enough to do that is Flitwick. Yeah. It was _

_totally him._

Snape left his off- I mean the Bat Cave. He was going to confront Flitwick head on. This

information was perfect blackmail.

He opened the door to the Flitwick's empty classroom and pointed at Flitwick.

"I KNOW YOUR SECRET!" screamed Snape.

"Y-yo-you _know?_" Flitwick squeaked.

"Yes. Even a moron would be able to figure it out."

"Oh god, oh god! You _can't _tell anyone Severus, please!"

"And why can't I? Give me a good reason not to tell everyone!"

"_Because!_ Severus, teaching doesn't pay enough. I can't possibly pay all my bills and have

enough money to live off of with a salary of teacher!"

…_.Does that mean he's a prostitute? Eh, I'll go along with it. _"I suppose I understand but

with _Slughorn?_"

"He _pays _the best! He pays more than Ginny does, as much as she uses my services."

"Ew, the Weasly girl too?"

"Severus I will do _anything _so you won't tell. I have the finest cocaine you will _ever_-"

"YOU'RE A DRUG DEALER?!"

"I thought you just said you _knew_ that!"

"NO NO! You were supposed to admit you're gay for Slughorn and sent him lingerie!"

"Ew. Slughorn is a bit too fat and chunky for my taste."

"…oh………. I'm just gonna leave now. I won't tell anyone about your…. Second job…"

"Thank you Severus."

It was back to square one for Snape once again. He examined the conversation with

Flitwick in his head, hoping it'd give him some more ideas.

_Flitwick said that Slughorn wasn't his "type". I need to think of some one who would say _

_I'm their type…. Well I could always hope the sender was some one my type. I'd say my _

_type was James Potter but he died quite some time ago. The other one who's my type is…_

Snape walked to his fireplace and threw in some Floo powder. He had put on the lingerie.

He was ready to get his man.

"Number 12 Grimmauld Place!"

Snape went into the bedroom he knew belonged to Sirius.

Sirius was very close to beating Snape to death. He usually wasn't in a good mood when

an ugly, hook nosed man woke him up wearing frilly underwear and a matching bra. Sirius

attacked Snape so viciously that it I'm not even going to say that much about the actual

fight, only Snape's injuries.

They were so terrible even magic couldn't heal him. He needed 938 stitches for the

numerous dog bites he received. Several of his limbs had to be amputated. He also had to

go to some counseling for his new irrational fear of hot black haired men.

During his stay in the hospital Dumbledore came to visit.

"Helloo Severus, I see your wounds are healing up nicely. Do you have any ideas for who

sent you that lingerie?"

"NOOOO I FKING GIVE UP I DON'T WANT TO GET BEATEN ANYMOREEE!!

HOLD MEHHHHH!"

"No I'm afraid I won't hold you Severus. I'm sure Sirius would volunteer though."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I'll be leaving now Severus. Have a good day."

Outside of the infirmary Dumbledore smiled to himself.

"Well that was a little boring," he mumbled. "I was hoping Severus would be more

determined to figure out the mystery. I hope my next victim is more fun."

Somewhere else in the world, Voldemort opened an unmarked package and screamed.


End file.
